My Jealousy

This word is complex to me. I struggle with understand it. I know sounds strange right! I think that for years I looked at people with admiration instead of jealousy.

In my adoption, I really didn’t feel jealous. I knew my adoption was a good decision and knew she was in a good place. I did have times that I felt like I was missing out on her mile stones. I would feel down and depressed and realized she was still happy and safe. Somehow that was all I need to tell myself. It wasn’t easy and of course always with tears but peace of mind knowing she was happy and safe make it better.

It wasn’t until I found out she was pregnant at 15 that it hit me. After being reunited with my daughter, I found out I was asked to meet her because they didn’t know how to deal with her. They wanted me to be the disciplinary and give her back to me like she was being returned to the store as a defective doll. When I took her for a holiday weekend I found out she was pregnant and took her home to tell her parents. For months, I was heartbroken knowing what her future would be.

When the baby was born, it took them three long days to tell me. I knew that day she had the baby. I could sense her and the baby. I cried for days till they called me. That’s when it hit! I was jealous. I wasn’t there to see her born let alone be a part of her life. I was so jealous that I was filled with anger and hate! How could they?? How could they leave me out after bringing me into her life! I felt like the adoptive parents didn’t deserve her or the baby! I was so angry that I couldn’t function. I was so bitter and beyond hurt! From that point it was beyond heart breaking!! Everything I hoped for her wasn’t happening!

I had seen the baby being used as a manipulating tool and bounced from person to person. At one point, I thought I would have guardianship of the baby. I did all I would to show my daughter she could have a better life. That she could be a single mother and move on with her education. She was so lost in drugs and endless feeling of abandonment I couldn’t get through to her. I emailed her parents and asked to help them and her. They were just as angry.

It took me a long time to realize she is her own person with her own decisions. It still haunts me to see the mistakes she makes. She had three more kids and I wasn’t there again. Yeah, I was upset and jealous every time!! I have grandchildren and didn’t get to see them come into this world! I wasn’t there to see the first smile, step or bond the way any mother or grandmother would want too. Every time I go through this heart break I would go through this pity party for myself and eventually find my way back from this prison I put myself in.

She is her own person and so are adoptive parents. I accepted this because you can’t change them! You can’t control what they do or say. You can however change your thoughts and behavior. Don’t let them control you! Even when you think thoughts of hate or anger and any kind of envy it controls you!

She is my achilleas heel because she is my daughter. She is also her own person as am I. I found my way through the worst of times! It didn’t kill me or cripple me but it didn’t leave a scar. I AM NOT A victim but I AM A WORRIOR!! I have been through hell and back but I made it through stronger than ever. 

What It’s Like To Be Married To A Birthmother

This guest post is by Bob Spears, who is married to a birthmother.

Although birthmothers have husbands and partners, it’s not every day that you hear from them.

That’s because many of them are not directly involved in their loved one’s adoption story.

But I’ve found that not being involved in your loved one’s story is not easy or healthy in a relationship.

Placing a child for adoption has a great impact on not only a birth mother’s life, but on ours as well.

It is a commitment that requires us to understand and help them through their journey.

I have been together with a birthmother for 20 years and married for 17.

I have watched experiences, changes and challenges to Lynea’s world each day.

I believe the most influential thing I have learned from watching her life is that a birth mother never gives up on her child.

Every day that child remains a part of her.

Through the years, I have observed how every birthday of Lynea’s child caused emotions to rise within her.

Sometimes she had no idea why she was so upset, anxious and down.

I would remind her that it was that birthday thing again.

In the early days she would hang on the mailbox for her yearly picture.

It was always late and when it did come it was usually a keychain size but it would excite her to no end.

She loved and was so grateful to the adoptive parents but as I observed, they were not so wonderful. That didn’t stop her from cherishing them.

As the years went on, the adoptive parents continued to do all they could to insulate themselves from Lynea. But, as they lost control of their daughter, they began reaching to her.

As hesitant as Lynea was to become involved, she finally did after several pleading requests.

What she didn’t want is to become involved in a situation which would destroy her relationship with her daughter.

Entering her daughter’s life as a disciplinarian was not how she saw the reuniting would happen. And she was right. From that point on, all of their relationships became a nightmare.

Lynea’s daughter was not ready to meet her and was only looking for someone to rescue her from her own mess.

This mess has continued now for many years and has been a real ugly ride.

But the one thing that still prevails is Lynea’s love for her daughter.

I have watched her try everything possible to influence this girl and lead her along.

She has also placed boundaries through love to help her understand that respect goes both ways.

There are now four grandchildren in this mix and that only increased the anguish of the situation.

Through this adventure, Lynea has seen the need for birth mothers to have a safe haven.

Her experiences, although hard to deal with, have helped her understand the challenges faced by many birth mothers.

She sees the need of a support network where these women can connect and understand they are not alone and that their situation is not unique.

I have watched her selflessly spend hundreds of hours reaching out to these women to help. She now has created her own organization for those birthmothers who need help or would like to help others.

Life After Placement is a shrine to her efforts. All of her time and money have gone into this creation with no monetary rewards. I continue to stand amazed at her determination to accomplish these things:

1. Change the narrative that birth mothers give up on their children and get people to understand that they placed them as a selfless act of love.

2. Get an understanding that birth mothers never quit. They live their lives every day with their child’s life deep inside of them.

3. Many birth mothers suffer from PTSD. Throughout their lives they are struck with things which can emotionally impact them. There are constant triggers which will never go away.

4. Adoptive parents have a commitment to their child’s birth mother and her contribution. No matter how the agreements were agreed upon, there is a great need for integrity and honesty.

If you are interested as a birth mother, adoptive child or want to help the cause, I ask you to visit Life After Placement and see the wonderful things that Lynea has done.

I have no doubt this endeavor will grow as more people discover Lynea’s dedication.

Bob Spears is married to Lynea, founder of Life After Placement. They share a life together and are parents to a teenage son. He is an advocate for birth mothers and believes in the cause of Life After Placement. 

http://www.americaadopts.com/like-married-birthmother/

Can you see your Happiness?

Happiness is every were but can we see it?

Based on a date rape. I became pregnant. My decision for placement did not come very easy to me. One night full of fear and hopelessness as the day grew closer, I couldn’t stop crying. kneeling at the end of my fold out bed, praying for help to make this decision I just could not imagine making, I heard a voice! It was a male voice. For that second I stopped crying and listened. He said “Mom it will be OK.” “You are not alone and you will get through this.” Again, thinking I am crazy and now hearing things! I dared at that point I looked up! This handsome man with unique eyes, sandy blond hair and tall. “He smiled and said don’t worry Mom you are not alone.” I stood up thinking (Now I am seeing things!) I stopped crying and laid in bed, closed my eyes and slept better than I had in a long time.

After placement, I finished school and found the job of my dream and bought my first home. It took time but I did all by myself. I was determined to prove to everyone and myself “I WAS WORTH IT!”  Through the years I struggled with cervical cancer twice and thankfully I had great doctors who found it in time. One ovary was scarred during the surgery and no longer working. Then came endometriosis. I was told my chances of having a baby would not be realistic.

Eight years after placement I married a great man much older than me. We married and started our life together. We now had a combined problem, He had a vasectomy 21 years ago. He had talked about having kids but I couldn’t see a path to it now. He visited a doctor and discussed a reversal. Again, we were told the chances were very limited but decided to give it a go. After two surgeries with our odds being 1000 to 1 chance I was now pregnant!

This did not excite me. I found myself in a panic. The pain of my first pregnancy was way too ingrained in my soul. All the fears I worked though were back in play even though I now had a completely different situation. I had dreams of people taking my baby. This lasted through the entire pregnancy. The day I went into labor, I was also panicking. Would they take him from me? I just couldn’t shake the idea. When my son was born and things settled they put his incubator next to my bed side. It was a dream that didn’t seem real till he looked at me after calling his name. It was him!! That man that called me Mom!! I was stunned in disbelief he was that same person!

The unique thing about him is that he has one unusual eye. It has a different color to it. I wasn’t crazy and it wasn’t a dream. He has blue eyes with a patch of green/brown in one spot on his right. Somehow all this was meant to be. I had almost impossible chances but it did happen.

Life has some interesting challenges, both good and bad. I had reached a time in my life where I had basically given up any hope of a family and my choice of a husband along with my almost infertile condition made my outlook bleak. After having my son, other complications finished any chance of ever having another but I did get my last hope of having a child. This all proved to me that giving up should not be an option.

I have learned that happiness comes to us in the hardest times in our lives. We need to take what we can and enjoy it as much as possible. 

Lynea Krukiewicz

My Definition Of A Birth Mother

What is a Birth Mother to Me!

 Through the years I have found it to be odd how people view birth mothers. We are looked at as adulterers, sluts with no morals, mentally unstable with no cares about bringing a child into this world, etc.  What about the few of us who were raped or abused? Did we deserve it?  Did we have it coming to us? Where we asking for it by the way we dressed?

To me a birth mother is any woman who gives birth. A woman who chooses to place a child for adoption is a birth mother and a woman who chooses to parent her child is a birth mother.  That’s right, I said it, we are both birth mothers. It really is strange to how people respond to the words “Birth Mother”! All my life I have had to explain to people who and what a birth mother is. This has been strange for me because adoption has been around for centuries! This is not a new concept or new idea. What I found is that people dismiss that adoption wouldn’t happen without a birth mother. How did the babies get here? Sometimes I think people think adoption is like going to a store, picking up the baby and paying for it at the counter.

For years’ women who have become pregnant out of wedlock or been abused or raped and had to accept the fate of getting married or being sent away to a maternity home or distant relative to have the baby. When you came back you didn’t talk about it, like it never happened, and go on with life. The adoption was closed and the guilt and shame the birth mother felt were kept inside and never let out.  I remember growing up thinking couples who adopted were like heroes! I remember looking at them like they saved that child from bad parents or from unloving family.

Let me just say this, I am a birth mother and proud to say it! I was date raped and did what I know was best for my child by PLACING her with a couple who was able to give her what I know I couldn’t at that time in my life. I did NOT GIVE HER UP! Ask yourself, how would you feel if you were given up on. No one likes that!  Please use the word PLACED. “I was placed for adoption.” The psychological effect of saying you were PLACED instead of given up has a MAJOR effect on the child and about adoption as a whole.

As a birth mother of 25 years and having been reunited the past 12 years I can say “I NEVER GAVE UP!” I PLACED HER for adoption because I love her and always will. A mother’s love is never ending. My goal as a birth mother is to help our community see birth mothers in a different way. With open adoption and adoptees' looking for their birth parents, I hope you can see that it’s really all about love, from the moment of conception. Life After placement is just that! Moving forward without so much guilt or shame but acceptance of choices made with nothing but selfless love.

~Lynea~

A Birth Mother Never Quits

A birth mother never quits or gives up. Regardless of the decision. It is never final. We have placed a part of ourselves and that will never go away.”

— Lynea Krukiewicz, Birth Mother

To me placing is:

B eautiful

I ntense

R eal

T raumatic

H eart Felt

M oving

O verwhelming

T roubling

H opeful

E volving

R esiliant

Many words could be placed in these positions and as my experience has shown, will change as the moments of joy, pain and uncertainty do. In my years since placement I can attest that there will always be a new moment.

PLACEMENT LIVES WITHIN ME.

When I placed 25 years ago, I had a vision of what life would be like as commitments were made with the adoptive parents through open placement. I had no idea how these things would evolve and change through the years. Not only did the relationships change with the adoptive parents but as my daughter grew up and made choices, so did the interaction with her become a roller coaster of emotions.  

As a birth mother with many experiences, I saw I could help so many other birth mothers with guidance, direction and moral support. And I too could learn much more in a community where we all can find a common link with those who both need to share and find help as we face the next step in this complicated situation. 

Life is always changing and so are relationships. Placing created a birth mother and adoptive parents who must find ways to deal with everyday life and a child who is anything but predictable. Emotions will play a huge part moving forward. As a birth mother, I have found it is a delicate balance on how you help, when you help and if you help and just when you think you provided the right thing, you are completely wrong. I want to help birth mothers know it is never easy but we hope some reward and comfort can be won.

Placing has forever changed my life both good and bad.

Experiencing the ever changing situations with my daughter has brought me many hours of despair but it has also provided me with a great desire to help others. Life After Placement has become a dream and mission for me. Having spent years without support and understanding has been painful. I want to have a forum which can help other birth mothers see they do not have to life this alone and wear a scarlet letter in silence. We did the right thing for our child and we should be celebrated not forsaken.

I am a Birth Mother forever.