Can you see your Happiness?

Happiness is every were but can we see it?

Based on a date rape. I became pregnant. My decision for placement did not come very easy to me. One night full of fear and hopelessness as the day grew closer, I couldn’t stop crying. kneeling at the end of my fold out bed, praying for help to make this decision I just could not imagine making, I heard a voice! It was a male voice. For that second I stopped crying and listened. He said “Mom it will be OK.” “You are not alone and you will get through this.” Again, thinking I am crazy and now hearing things! I dared at that point I looked up! This handsome man with unique eyes, sandy blond hair and tall. “He smiled and said don’t worry Mom you are not alone.” I stood up thinking (Now I am seeing things!) I stopped crying and laid in bed, closed my eyes and slept better than I had in a long time.

After placement, I finished school and found the job of my dream and bought my first home. It took time but I did all by myself. I was determined to prove to everyone and myself “I WAS WORTH IT!”  Through the years I struggled with cervical cancer twice and thankfully I had great doctors who found it in time. One ovary was scarred during the surgery and no longer working. Then came endometriosis. I was told my chances of having a baby would not be realistic.

Eight years after placement I married a great man much older than me. We married and started our life together. We now had a combined problem, He had a vasectomy 21 years ago. He had talked about having kids but I couldn’t see a path to it now. He visited a doctor and discussed a reversal. Again, we were told the chances were very limited but decided to give it a go. After two surgeries with our odds being 1000 to 1 chance I was now pregnant!

This did not excite me. I found myself in a panic. The pain of my first pregnancy was way too ingrained in my soul. All the fears I worked though were back in play even though I now had a completely different situation. I had dreams of people taking my baby. This lasted through the entire pregnancy. The day I went into labor, I was also panicking. Would they take him from me? I just couldn’t shake the idea. When my son was born and things settled they put his incubator next to my bed side. It was a dream that didn’t seem real till he looked at me after calling his name. It was him!! That man that called me Mom!! I was stunned in disbelief he was that same person!

The unique thing about him is that he has one unusual eye. It has a different color to it. I wasn’t crazy and it wasn’t a dream. He has blue eyes with a patch of green/brown in one spot on his right. Somehow all this was meant to be. I had almost impossible chances but it did happen.

Life has some interesting challenges, both good and bad. I had reached a time in my life where I had basically given up any hope of a family and my choice of a husband along with my almost infertile condition made my outlook bleak. After having my son, other complications finished any chance of ever having another but I did get my last hope of having a child. This all proved to me that giving up should not be an option.

I have learned that happiness comes to us in the hardest times in our lives. We need to take what we can and enjoy it as much as possible. 

Lynea Krukiewicz