My Jealousy

This word is complex to me. I struggle with understand it. I know sounds strange right! I think that for years I looked at people with admiration instead of jealousy.

In my adoption, I really didn’t feel jealous. I knew my adoption was a good decision and knew she was in a good place. I did have times that I felt like I was missing out on her mile stones. I would feel down and depressed and realized she was still happy and safe. Somehow that was all I need to tell myself. It wasn’t easy and of course always with tears but peace of mind knowing she was happy and safe make it better.

It wasn’t until I found out she was pregnant at 15 that it hit me. After being reunited with my daughter, I found out I was asked to meet her because they didn’t know how to deal with her. They wanted me to be the disciplinary and give her back to me like she was being returned to the store as a defective doll. When I took her for a holiday weekend I found out she was pregnant and took her home to tell her parents. For months, I was heartbroken knowing what her future would be.

When the baby was born, it took them three long days to tell me. I knew that day she had the baby. I could sense her and the baby. I cried for days till they called me. That’s when it hit! I was jealous. I wasn’t there to see her born let alone be a part of her life. I was so jealous that I was filled with anger and hate! How could they?? How could they leave me out after bringing me into her life! I felt like the adoptive parents didn’t deserve her or the baby! I was so angry that I couldn’t function. I was so bitter and beyond hurt! From that point it was beyond heart breaking!! Everything I hoped for her wasn’t happening!

I had seen the baby being used as a manipulating tool and bounced from person to person. At one point, I thought I would have guardianship of the baby. I did all I would to show my daughter she could have a better life. That she could be a single mother and move on with her education. She was so lost in drugs and endless feeling of abandonment I couldn’t get through to her. I emailed her parents and asked to help them and her. They were just as angry.

It took me a long time to realize she is her own person with her own decisions. It still haunts me to see the mistakes she makes. She had three more kids and I wasn’t there again. Yeah, I was upset and jealous every time!! I have grandchildren and didn’t get to see them come into this world! I wasn’t there to see the first smile, step or bond the way any mother or grandmother would want too. Every time I go through this heart break I would go through this pity party for myself and eventually find my way back from this prison I put myself in.

She is her own person and so are adoptive parents. I accepted this because you can’t change them! You can’t control what they do or say. You can however change your thoughts and behavior. Don’t let them control you! Even when you think thoughts of hate or anger and any kind of envy it controls you!

She is my achilleas heel because she is my daughter. She is also her own person as am I. I found my way through the worst of times! It didn’t kill me or cripple me but it didn’t leave a scar. I AM NOT A victim but I AM A WORRIOR!! I have been through hell and back but I made it through stronger than ever.