Lynea and I were discussing the hardships of personal relationships birthmothers experience as a result of placing. I had never really thought about these things on a personal level before but started to see what might be a really hard situation. I have been married three times, not a point of pride but rather it does bring me a lot of experience with baggage brought into a marriage.
My second marriage tied together children from the previous one. I knew going into the marriage I was taking on two children who would be in my world every day. There was no way I was going to believe I could ever have a satisfactory relationship with my wife without fully taking her children as my own and to her credit, she allowed me to be their father. However she was not as willing to accept my children and considered them as outside of the family, possibly because they did not live with us but more so it seemed to be a jealousy situation. We fought constantly over things like paying child support, bringing them over on a regular basis and just flat making them apart of our world. She would manage to provide some cheap gift to them on the holidays while flourishing her own with unbelievable amounts. On the other hand her children were completely accepted by me and I treated them as my own. Considering the fact that I raised them from small children to their adulthood how else would you live your life without loving them unconditionally. Our marriage failed due to my wife’s narcissistic personality but not due to her children. We shared one child together but there was no difference in how they were treated.
When Lynea and I decided to marry, I knew she was a birth mother and this child although not in her daily life was a part of it. Maybe because she made me aware of her situation and never hid the fact this child was a part of her that we had a great understanding of what level she would be in our lives. The one thing I know is through living almost 20 years with her this child had to be a part of me as well. At times it is overwhelming and at other times it is heartbreaking. Along with Lynea I have taken this girl as mine as well. This is not a separate thing in Lynea’s life. It is something we both deal with and come to terms with constantly. Marriage that works does not separate us; it is a constant working situation where we support each other to make things stronger. Any partner who believes you can separate yourself from the emotions and trials of your spouse is living in a fantasy world.
The funny thing about our life with this child is that sometimes I am more lenient than she is. We both grimace over her poor choices and feel the heartache of the carnage she leave along the way. We both take turns helping the other to work though the confusion we have for her actions. This is what a marriage is all about. I don’t see a lot of changes happening in the future but we both love this girl and our grandchildren. We will both continue to deal with the trials and tribulations as they occur. At times I’ll want to bail out and at other time she will but we will hold each other together as we continue to fight a good fight
I’m not a professional or have all of the answers to life but what I do know from my time on this planet is that relationships only work when there is an understanding and each person accepts the other for who they are. That is not to say someone who is abusive or narcissistic should be tolerated but it does mean that you can’t believe having unresolved or unacceptable situations between you will make a lasting bond. I know all too well how being a birth mother ties a woman to her child for the rest of her life. Regardless of whether she chooses to share her feelings about of not, it does exist and will be a part of her life forever. Accepting that decision and helping her deal with it should be within the mates soul and love for her. We choose to become mates because we wanted someone who would make our lives complete. This only happens when we help make their life complete. Selfish people seldom find happiness and if they do it is not through relationships. Love can only endure when you both love. You can’t accept the fact that the love of one will compensate for both. You also need to come to grips with the fact that there are times when the road ahead will seem too hard to travel. If you truly do give love to your spouse they will be willing to find a way back to the smoother lanes.
I kid Lynea telling her that there are two sides to any argument, hers and hers. That is not true but it does serve a point. Being right doesn’t always allow you to win and having to win is a huge human flaw in character. Understanding the other person’s challenges and wanting them to be happy should be life’s endeavor. Birth Mothers made a great sacrifice in their life and need a soul mate to let them know what they did was right for the time and place. I truly believe Lynea made her choice out of uncompromising love for her daughter and no other reason. She wanted the best life for her and lives her life still hoping some way that will happen. How could I ever deny helping her through these times? I married her because I love her and want her to be a part of mine. Only by supporting her will I ever hope to keep our relationship solid and true. I hope others will see that vision because these birth mothers deserve all of the help we can give.
I would be happy to share any conversations about my part in Lynea’s life as a birth mother and how I see her role as the founder of Life-After-Placement. I think I have a pure outlook on what this journey is all about. I want her to succeed because by doing so she will change a long time stigma which still exists that birth mothers are women who should hide and stay out of the light. I don’t accept the fact that adoptive parents are the great hope and saved some child from a horrible fate. Birth mothers provided them with a part of themselves and it is a gift which should be sacred. I am more than willing to preach this sermon to all who will listen.
